Caterpillars

The painful moment when you ache for something that you must mourn...

When the slow lonely sound of the saxophone, the bass, the ease of the keys on the piano helps you see the truth. 

Of course, it's not in the lack of action that should spark this emotion. 

But the drums...the drums...its all in the DRUMS...You must mourn this song. 

I hate it when I come to this realization. It hits me over the head and stops me in my tracks. No matter what I am doing...cleaning, working, driving, thriving...it hits hard and I know I must mourn. 

I must cry for the future loss of an idea. The wish you whisper gently into your heart. 

You must cry when you have given your all, loved with your all, communicated with your all. 

Nothing else to do, to try, it's an end without an ending because it only lived in your own head. 

It was a one-sided wish...its birth and death within you. Nonetheless, its heavy, it cuts. As if time stood still and it CAME TRUE for just A...

You must mourn the pain out your heart. For they cannot see or does not wish to see what could be. 

Or maybe...they can. 

But my strength comes from the mourning of this loss because I cannot function in a healthy manner with just a hopeful idea-my perfect non-existent reality. 

I have to let it go, cry it out and then...just then...

WARNING! 

This metamorphosis of emotions cannot be reversed. 

I know...I've tried...but it never comes back...not for me...at least not at this point in my life. 

So I mourn my mourning, like an adult butterfly emerging...

I will no longer be affected. 

My heart is solid. 

Impenetrable...for I have faced my worst fear...the idea of life without you. 

Here we go...the first stage...THE EGG. 

Love Always, 
Acting and Apple Pie 

A Rocky Night

I dreamt of this type of love.

I prayed to the gods to feel this way everyday.

Strong arms around the sides of my waist felt like an energy-healing shield.

I had a protector, a lover.

I belong to the warmth of veins.

Owned by his natural arch. My Rock.

I could close my eyes with no worries.

If this was the only feeling I would ever have my happiness would be realized.

A tight solid grip in gentle care...

Breathe

Anchored by the rhythm of his pulse.

In

Strength of his blood flow.

Out

Contractions of the heart...I felt whole.

Breathe

I dreamt of this type of love.

In

I prayed to the gods to feel this way everyday.

Out

A cherished moment I could only preserve in memory of... last night.

Breathe

Love Always,
Acting and Apple Pie

My Cup Runneth Over

Refreshing your glass...I live to breathe, to feel, to grow, to allow my mind to escape and find the exceptional.

Let's have a conversation.

Where are you from...Who made you.

Your mother, your father, God.

Who's your family, the Universe. We share the same kin.

What do you love. Money, fame, people, connections, spirits, your neighbor, me.

I love...the color of a rain drop on my nose. The fragrance of the earth when we breathe in. The idea that I may know your intimate thoughts. 

You move me. I live for you.

You ask...

Go find me a country. One with a breeze of freedom and reckless inhibition. I shall...

You ask...

Fetch me a hero. One with a heart of gold but afraid to live. Breakdown that character and embody the spirit. I shall...

My happy balance...located in your overflowing glass. 

"The Service Entrance"

I no longer let love in through the back door. I'm not trying to hide my face pass the kitchen staff in order to be in your presence.

But....It feels like a burst of pure indulgence. The moisture from my top lip. The gentle caressing sensation massaging my mind. That hidden pit of hope that my future is seen through the vision of your lens, as a lover or friend.

TO YOU...

I am but a puppet. A cute little thing of play. But make no mistake....you don't love me. I temporarily signed my soul over to your hidden agenda. I know you're not Judas but you're no Jesus. One would think we are all humans thriving compassionately.

You had your fill, you played with strings, you told me lies.... things.... With a price.

I told you from the beginning...

I'm not ready.

I can't be what you want.

We are all looking for that one, in its own time.

So l slowly grab my purse, hold my head up high as you and the rest watch my back.

The line cook...

The night prep...

The sous chef...

I can feel the wind from the bottom crack of the door. My lifeless body turns the handle to drag these legs out of my own hearse.

I pause at the doorway looking ahead.  I turn slightly left to study the intricate details of the molding. I turn right to admire the masterful wood work in the framing. I look up carving a memory of this moment. The jail you put me in, you will rot... in this decaying scene.

You do not have to repeat! I heard you the first time...."Back door, Love."

The blurred lines of Friendship, Love and Pain.

I revoke your pass from visiting the future me. I may think I need you... but that won't always be.

With Love,
Acting and Apple Pie
aka...Your Favorite Star

Chasing Sunsets

I ran away... no really, I ran away. I let my mind control the now. Not the future and certainly not my past. What would happen in this moment would make me feel alive. And that moment and those feeling will haunt me until the next one.

I hold dear to all I have thus far. But it was in the slow turn of the head, a heavy beating in the heart, the view of familiar feelings in foreign territory. I was ready. To embark on a new adventure no matter what the cost. Finishing thoughts that whispered in her mind. I'll admit I have little to no discipline when it comes to matters of the heart.

Palm trees swaying, the smell of the ocean waves crashing, sand in hair, drink in hand, this moment, this conversation, this feeling under my feet, this band of colors bonded together by invisible tension... everything seem so clear so bright so Alive!

My heart is here but could I convince the rest of me to leave it all. Live my life on an Island and never look back.

I could write

I could watch the rain fall from the leaves

I could plan dinner from my backyard

I could teach children how to sail

I could finish my masterpiece

I could watch all my sunsets from the square

Sunkissed skin and unkept hair would smell like a tropical warm breeze filled in love. Who knew watching sunsets could be a passion.

No need to call... I'll send you a postcard…With Love:)

Acting and Apple Pie

Daughters

Time was your healer.

The clear blue sea of sky surrounded your cloudy vision.

Parting a path to an ascending future.

Marching to the sound of an undone family choir.

Its bright baby...Inside You.

Hopeless optimistic souls live forever.

Walk with me.

My death is your birth beyond.

The Elite...
Chosen by the Universe to see spirits in their rawest form. The deepest meaning of breathing starts with two eyes wide open. Not many will want your illuminating vision in their presence.

Go!


Walk!


March!

Stand up straight, head to the sky.

I See You...


Love always,
Acting and Apple Pie

Dedicated to my mother

Valerie Sapadin 

1954-2008

The Prelude

There will be a moment when I will express my deep love for my hometown. Heart in hand and breathless. Spilling secrets, giving advice on where to dine or using my universal language to articulate train directions. New Yorkers are kindhearted. The real New Yorkers! The center of the world raised me and I must do it justice. This is an introduction to my next level of growth, expanding my mind and increasing the net worth of my soul.

Its not that I have no words...I just have more to feel. More of a sense of where I'm from to where I would like to be. Art, travel, people, conversations and experiences that leave me with an orgasmic memory.

A moment of silence when life pushes you to move forward....

Here's a quote I would like to share from the final episode of "No Reservations" in Brooklyn, New York.

From my soulful virtual friend and fellow New Yorker...

Anthony Bourdain's final goodbye:

"It's been a wild ride. A lot of miles, a road sometimes smooth, sometimes hard and ugly. And I guess I could tell you that if you look hard enough, that just next door is just as interesting as the other side of the world, but that's not exactly true. If I do have any advice for anybody, any final thought, if I'm and advocate for anything, it's to move as far as you can, as much as you can, across the ocean or simply across the river. The extent to which you can walk in somebody else's shoes or at least eat their food, it's a plus for everybody. Open your mind, get up off the couch, MOVE!"



Love,
Acting and Apple Pie

Thank you for stopping by...